Moving the Blog

I’ve moved to : http://peaceloveandtickles.blogspot.com

Hope to see you there.

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{this moment}

“{this moment} – A Friday ritual. A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’ in the comments for all to find and see. “

Inspired by SouleMama

(technically this was not this week- but it needed to be shared)

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New

I’ve never needed a new year so badly.

I know the date makes no difference, but this has been a very hard year for my family. We’ve had a ton of blessings, but it’s been a hard, hard year. I’m so ready for a clean slate. Some very big changes may be on the horizon for us, but I don’t want to get my hopes up too high. I do know this much, I am viewing this new year as a time to start anew.

Last year, I had a bunch of resolutions. I am not going to do that this year. This year I  am simply going to resolve to live my life to the fullest extent of which I am capable. I won’t let life pass me by, but I am not going to expect miracles when I have a baby and a toddler.

So, with less than three hours left, I bid 2009 farewell. I say goodbye to the happy memories and am glad I experienced them and I say good riddance to all of the pain and trouble this year brought. I know I am stronger now than I’ve ever been and as much as I hate to admit it, the very experiences that knocked me down a bit will be the ones that shape who I am and who I become.

Hello, 2010. Hello, change. Hello, clean slate. New day. New Year. I am so very glad to see you.

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I’m a Give-a-Way Winner!

I won give a way over at Retro Housewife Goes Green! She always has the best give-a-ways and I’m quite pleased that I won!

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I Won a Blog-Award!

Lisa from Retro Housewife Goes  Green nominated me for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Thanks, Lisa!

The ‘rules’ for the award are listed below:

1. Thank the person who gave this to you.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link the person who nominated you.
4. Name seven things about yourself that no one would really know.
5. Nominate seven “Kreativ Bloggers.”
6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

Seven Things No One Would Really Know About Me:

1. I chipped my left front tooth on a toilet when I was seven.

2. My living room walls are primed, but not painted yet. We’re painting them green.

3. If Keagan had been a girl, his name would have been Ella Grace.

4. If Eden had been a boy, her name would have been Kai Agape.

5. As much as I love the Pacific Northwest, I long to live somewhere warmer.

6. I think we’re done having kids. But I am not promising I won’t change my mind 6 months or 6 years from now.

7. I love music, but I am so musically untalented it’s not funny, in spite of the fact that I paid money for private voice and piano lessons.

Seven “Kreativ Bloggers”

1.Rosie

2.Chasing Cheerios

3.Craft Scmaft

4. One Pretty Thing

5.Start Sewing!

6.Future Girl

7.You Go Girl!

Thanks again, Lisa for the award!

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Um, That’s Not What I Meant

So in yesterday’s post, I told  you that Keagan and I made a paper chain to count down to Halloween and that I’d explained to Keagan that when all the chains were gone, we’d put on a costume, go out and get candy for the faeries and we’d leave it under our “faerie tree” where he’s told me they live and the next day, he’d have a gift from them. Keagan seemed excited and it seemed like he understood (he’s 2.5 if you’re not a regular reader)

Well last night, we tore a link off the chain while getting ready for bed. Then Keagan’s eyes lit up and he said “Let’s go give the faeries their present!” and ran to the front door. I stood there, in that moment knowing that I could either a) crush is happy little idea and have a toddler who would be angry with me until Halloween when we would be giving the faeries their present (candy) in exchange for some goodies or b) Allow it and know that I’d have almost two weeks of small gifts to come up with, thus creating a tradition that puts Halloween in competition with Chanukah for holiday with the most days of gift giving.

I chose b. The world needs more magic. So Keagan ran out the front door gleefully and called out “Hey faeries! Look! I have present for you!” We placed his paper chain under a pile of pinecones and I told him the faeries would take it while he was sleeping. “And bring Keagan a present!” (this was a statement, not a question) “Yes and they’ll bring you a present,” I said, wheels turning in my head. What on Earth would I give him?

Hubby suggested the woodland elf hat in “Bend the Rules Sewing” by Amy Karol of Angry Chicken. We have the wool felt on hand for that.  But I’ve been planning on giving that to him the day after Halloween, when he was feeding the faeries his trick or treat candy. Plus, if I start with something that big,  it’s going to be hard to make it fun every day.  And I didn’t feel like sewing a hat.

So I thought about what we have laying around the house. Lots of toliet paper rolls. I save them compulsivly, because I think we can use them for craft projects. Probably because I feel guilty that we haven’t switched over to using cloth instead of paper yet. Anyway, we have a ton of those. Could I color it? Too cheesy. Make a necklace? Maybe.  Then I got the idea to make a telescope to see the faeries better.

We have a lot of felt from various projects I over bought for, so I wrapped the felt around two tubes (one stuffed into the other) and cut the fabric. Then I wanted to use fabric glue to make it stay, but I couldn’t find it. So I decided I’d duct tape it in place. haha. Then I decided to embroider his name on it. The embroidery hoop was dangerously close to the sleeping baby and I didn’t have time to wash off any fabric markers, so it was totally free form and pretty sloppy.  Oh well. Then I added the leaves because I thought it made it look more faerie like. All in all, I don’t think it turned out too terribly for a  tired rushed project with limited supplies on hand.

Keagan seems quite pleased with it. Now I just have to come up with something for every night for the rest of October.

Looking at him and thinking of the fun that we could have with this tradition, I think it’s worth it 🙂 I will, however, start the Halloween chain much later next October.

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Mostly Wordless Wednesday

In case you needed more proof that my kids are cute:

Miss Eden and her chunky cuteness:

Keagan poses for the camera:

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The Face of Foreclosure, the Pain of a Broken Maternity Care System

I want to tell my story. I want to tell everyone who may happen to read this how I got to the place I am today. There’s a lot to tell… but I think it’s worth telling.

My husband and I met and married young. Nick turned 22 one week before our wedding. I turned 23 a few months after. We were (and are!) madly in love and very happy to be together. We knew we wanted to have kids young, but were waiting on health insurance to come through with his work at a small software/ video game company in Seattle.

(photo by Chris Purdum)

We bought a home in the midst of the housing bubble. We were given what was at the time a great deal by some friends (who subsequently used the profit to adopt their daughter, which in the end, makes all of our troubles worth it if you think about it.) I remember thinking what a sound investment we’d made. At 22 and 23, we were home owners and proud of it. We were told that we could expect our home value to double in less than five years. I’m sure you can guess that it did not.

In April of 2006, our insurance finally would cover pregnancy. So we tried. And got pregnant right away. On June 12th, while on vacation to California, I miscarried our first child. It was a painful, heart wrenching experience made worse by an insensitive ER doctor who was flat out rude to us when we went to him for help. He delivered the news that we were, in fact, losing our child like you’d tell someone what the time was or that their shoelace was not tied. Matter of fact, no emotion, no sympathy, bored even. When I burst into tears, he said “What? You wanted it?” Of course I wanted my baby. This was my first bitter experience in the world of western medicine. It would not be my last.

We spent an unreal week in California and then went home to mourn. As soon as the doctors told us it was okay, we tried again and, once again, got pregnant right away. We were told we were due April 19th, 2007. We were so excited, but very, very scared.

I didn’t really like my OBGYN, but the clinic was the only one in the county my insurance dovered. At the time, I never thought twice about seeing a midwife. It sounded like choosing to have worse care to me. I don’t know that anyone could have convinced me otherwise at the time.

I had a hard pregnancy with lots of morning sickness for the first half and lots of preterm contractions dubbed preterm labor that had me on bedrest for most of my third trimester.

On April 10th, I went to bed having contractions. This was not unusual for me by any means and I didn’t think much of it. On the 11th at 3:00am, I woke up to bloody show and called the hospital as instructed by my OB. They said to come in, and I did. They told me I was in early labor and to come back when it was going strong. I went back in that afternoon, with contractions a minute apart- and was not even dilated 2cm, so they sent me home again. I went back in again at 4:00am on the 12th and had only made it to 4cm, but was admitted.

This is where it gets hard for me. I trusted the medical personnel as I thought I should. I thought they would help me to make good choices and that my baby would be safe. I was wrong.

I can’t really know what went on for sure, but I do know that a nurse told me a few hours after my arrival that I was between 5 and 6 cm dilated and that my water had broken. She told me that if I wanted and epidural, I needed to get it then or it would be too late. So I did. Only when they were done with it, I was informed that I was given a spinal “because you’ll probably end up with a C-section.”

I didn’t have it in me to fight with these people. I wasn’t educated enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I was annoyed, but I kept my mouth shut. After a few minutes of having the dang thing in, I wanted to rip it out. But I left it in out of fear and knowing that I would still have to pay. I hated the way it made me feel. I felt concentrated pain but was unable to move. It was miserable.

Then, I was checked again and found to only be at three centimeters dilated with my water still in tact. I was so mad and confused. I wanted to cry. I may have. I was exhausted.

They sent in an Ob, who said he was checking me for dilation. Instead, he broke my water without my consent. Once again, I was mad, but didn’t know how to speak up. It’s not like they could unbreak it. And I probably would have consented, but I wanted to participate in my own labor.

Eventually, I got as far dilated as I would go, 9 1/2 with a cervical lip. They told me to push through it. I pushed for three hours before an Ob showed up. After she’d been there an hour or so I was yelling to have the spinal removed. It was if I wasn’t speaking. (I actually asked Nick later if I was really asking, he said I was screaming.) I was so tired. I hadn’t slept in more than 40 hours. I said I couldn’t do it anymore. What I wanted was encouragement, a break, anything. What I got was intervention. She (the Ob) said that I was not going to make any progress pushing and I needed either the vacuum extraction or a C section. I asked if the vacuum was safe. She said yes.

She turned the damn thing too high. She pulled so hard that the seal broke and she flew back and hit the wall. Then she stopped using it and told me to push. (Remember, she said I couldn’t push him out a few minutes before!) After 30 min, I pushed out my son at 11:56pm on April 12th, 2007.

He seemed perfect in every way. He got nines on his APGAR’s and was doing well, besides the fact that he cried loudly. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. It turns out his screams were so loud because his brain had been damaged by the vacuum and he was in pain.

We had a beautiful 20 hours as a family. Then he quit breathing when I was trying to nurse him and turned blue. He was taken away from me and put in the nursery.

Very long story short, after a lot more abuse from the hospital, staff ignoring and insulting us and not keeping is informed about our son, Keagan was eventually transferred to the highest level NICU in our region because he had bleeding in his thalamus. He stayed there until he was eleven days old. I had to wash my hands for three minutes to even touch my child. I was not allowed to nurse him for five days. I was only allowed to hold him when given permission. It was hell. I’ll never be able to put into words how it feels not be separated from your child, to need to ask to pick up your baby crying for you… to not be able to nurse your child as he nuzzles into you, rooting hungrily. There are no words and I still ache today for the time that was stolen from us.

We couldn’t tell if his brain was okay or not because the bleeding was too heavy. Once it was controlled and he stopped having seizures (what the episode at the hospital turned out to be, he had eleven before the transfer and a few after) they did an MRI that was inconclusive. They sent us home telling us that we’d be back in four months when the blood was all gone to see what we could find out. We were left with the possibility of brain surgery when our son was 4 months old.

After that MRI, we were told that his brain was injured by the course of his birth and that the improper use of the vacuum suction was most likely to blame. They could not tell us for certain – because they can’t speak against doctors in that way… but the paperwork all said because of the course of birth and the only thing unusual about the birth was that darned vacuum.

A few months later, Keagan had a seizure, something that’s happened a few times since and will probably happen again. Because of the scarring on his brain he’ll always be at risk for them, though at this time he is not considered epileptic. His seizures tend to be fever induced, which are normally harmless, but because of that scarring he has, risk of complication is higher for him.

So not long after we got home, the medical bills started to roll in. Oh my goodness does it ever cost a lot of money to stay in a NICU. Even with insurance and stable jobs, we were in over our heads.

Keagan had too many appointments for me to keep my job. It just wasn’t realistic and I thought I could get it back later. I was wrong, the economy tanked and I didn’t have a position any longer. I applied everywhere I could and did not get hired.

The company Nick worked for was falling apart. He sought employment to avoid being laid off. He found it, but had to accept a paycut.

We looked into refinancing to a lower interest rate so we had more money each month to pay bills. We were fooled by a crooked mortgage man. We kept thinking the loan we had sounded bad, but every time we’d ask, he’d mention the Truth in Lending Act and how he couldn’t lie. Well he did, and things got worse for us. The interest rate soared up each month, along with the amount we owed on the house. We should have had a lawyer look at it, but we couldn’t afford to do it. Looking back, we should have found a way.

We tried to sell our house. We found a buyer for a short sale, as the value had fallen greatly. The offer came in our third wedding anniversary. We felt so much hope that day. That night, we renewed our vows on a small local beach with a few friends in family- and a tiny new life, in my womb. It was a beautiful, happy night.

The bank accepted the offer and we moved out.
Then, somehow the deal fell apart. We got another offer from the same buyer. The bank accepted. We waited. It never finalized. The buyer walked. We got yet a third offer from a new buyer.The bank rejected it, then foreclosed.

We’re now financially ruined, living in a small duplex and making ends meet. We have learned so much through this all… learned to educate ourselves about medical issues. Learned to live simply. We are who we are because we’ve been through this heartache.

I’m now the first person to advocate for natural healthcare, especially in childbirth. I think that the way pregnancy and birth are treated in this nation is a joke. I think that a lot (not all) of OBGY’s just want to make it easy on themselves and care more about their schedules than laboring women. Though I still have anxiety problems when near hospitals due to Keagan’s birth and first weeks, I have healed a lot through the homebirth of my 2nd child. I now know how much better birth can be.

I also have learned so much about living simply. We really were not over the top in our level of consumerism by most standards, however we bought more than we needed. We didn’t need a 1700 sf home. We didn’t need a new car. We didn’t need new clothes. We could have done things differently. We didn’t and we’re paying the price. But I now know that I love our simple. clutter free life. It’s better for us, it’s better for the environment and it’s better for those with whom we share the planet.

So we’re the face of foreclosure. We are the victims of our medical system. We are your average family, just with a lot of life thrown into short years.

I don’t regret most of it. Do I wish I’d been better informed of my birthing options and made better choices? Of course. But I can’t change it. I am always going to wish that I had done better for my son, for his brain…but I can’t change it. He’s doing so much better than we’d ever hoped. We are blessed beyond belief. And even though it’s been hard, God provides. We’ve always managed to stay fed and sheltered, even when it came down to living with my parents a few times for a little while. I wish we’d waited a few years to buy a house? Do I wish I didn’t let society’s pressures tell me I needed to buy one? Yes, but then again, I know we helped our friends in their path to adoption, so, as I said, that all makes it worth it in the end.

We’re better for our heartache. We’re better for our pain and we’re ready to tell people about it now. I don’t want people to make our mistakes. Please, if you’re pregnant and reading this, look into your options. Hire a doula… she can help you so much through your birth. Look into midwifery and natural childbirth. Do not let anyone near you with a vacuum extractor. And if you’re thinking of buying a home, be sure you’re ready and make sure you know why. Renting isn’t all bad.

So there it is. This is how I came to be a crunchy granola mama on a mission for simplicity. As long as it is, it’s the short version. 🙂 I hope I’ve helped someone with my tale, but if nothing else, it’s healing to write it all out.

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Giving Bear a Bath

Keagan wanted to give his bear a bath the other day. I indulged his cute toddler idea.

Bathing bears is serious.

Don’t know how Bear felt about it. Drying after the bath.

And just because they are cute…

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The Simple Woman’s Daybook

I saw this activity on Walk Slowly, Live Wildly. She got it from http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/. I thought it looked like fun, so here it goes…

For Today…

Outside my window… our new neighborhood

I am thinking… about how grateful I am for my family. And how much I have to get done.

I am thankful for… My family. My God. My home.

From the kitchen… Organic fruits from Marlene’s

I am wearing… Khaki pants I’ve owned since highschool and a black tshirt.

I am reading… The Bible, Living Outside the Box: TV-Free Families Share Their Secrets

I am hoping… to get Eden to nap soon

I am creating… Mama milk (and Eden is eating it!)

I am praying… for friends, for family, for strength, for reverence and for patience. (not too much to ask for it it?)

Around the house… Cute boy running around. Crazy dogs drooling and barking. Happy baby drooling and cooing.

One of my favorite things… Smiles on the faces of my kids.

A few plans for the rest of the week… Nothing concrete other than caring for the kids.

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