Of Grace and Pinball

Damaged by life

Broken. hurting.

This world an unkind place of residence.

Reality crashes down around me

Falling like tiny shards of angry glass.

I try and move on

but I stumble

Time and time again

in an endless game of pinball

that has me spinning every which way

only to be halted and turned another direction

with swift knock in the head.

Bing! Married! Five thousand  points!

Ding ding ding! Home Owner! Mom! Business Owner! Ten thousand points.

Bang! New baby. Five thousand points.

Boom! Foreclosure. Start again.

Bing! Cross country move.

Points to be determined.

Spinning. Crashing. Beeping.

Oh, the incessant beeping.

And then I hear the Whisper

in this storm of life

and I remember You.

Even when I try and put You

in a box, I can’t.

The King of Kings

does not fit

in the tiny box.

Eternity does not  fit.

Agape does not fit.

As I listen, the bruises start to heal

(those to my ego)

and my heart feels alive again

and I know that You have plans for me

“plans to prosper me and not to harm me,

plans to give me hope

and a future.”

So I let go of it all

and breath the biggest sigh of relief.

And I stand ready, waiting.

Waiting for life. Waiting for God.

Waiting for Grace and for pinball.

And knowing with Your grace I can handle it all.

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What do you do all day?

We don’t own a television. Any time this comes up, after whoever is hearing this for the first time picks his or her jaw up off the floor they ask me “What do you do all day long?”

Another shocker to many is that my kids won’t be attending school and that, at least for now,  I am “unschooling” Keagan. *and Eden, learning begins at birth, right?

So I thought I would show what it is we do all day long and how we learn without any sort of formal curriculum or lesson plan.

Our day in words and pictures 🙂

We planted a tree.

We learned that even big things start small.

We planned our garden. We learned that food does not come from the store and that hard work has its benefits.

We played on the playground.

We learned the being flexible comes in handy in life and that patience is a virtue. (It’s hard to wait your turn for the slide!)

We explored.

We learned not all who wander are lost.

We looked at bugs. We learned that ants “go really, really fast.”

We played in the dirt.

Mama learned to let things go.

One of us napped in the sun.

We all got our vitamin d the old fashioned way.

We picked flowers. We made wishes.

We learned the world could use more wonder.

We hugged trees. Literally.

We learned to revere nature.

Keagan cut himself.

We learned a deep breath and a good snack make most problems feel smaller.

We met our neighbors. We talked. We learned that a smile goes a long way in life.

We played. Keagan with a doll. Eden with a truck. We defied gender stereotypes…

and realized how silly they are.

Some seriously window coloring went on…

and we learned that art comes in many mediums…

Sometimes even baby sister’s face.

We relaxed.

We loved one another.

We learned that the little things in life matter the most.

We played. We laughed. We colored. We sang.

We read books.

We learned that fantasy can help us better understand reality.

We played with pom-poms. We counted. We sorted. One of us learned what fuzzy tastes like.

We learned that some items have any uses.

We cooked. Okay. I cooked. Keagan “helped” and Eden snacked.

We counted, measured and timed as we did so.

We learned that sometimes hard work tastes really good.

We ate. We laughed some more. We played and sang some more. We tickled and loved. We lived.

We learned that your family is the people who are there for you at the end of the day.

All in all it was a pretty good day.

I don’t think we’re missing out on anything without the TV. I don’t think we’re missing out on anything without the boxed curriculum or preschool.  I think we’re doing just fine and making the best choices for our family.

What do you think? 🙂

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I am a Stay at Home Mama… so what?

I am a stay at home mom. My job is to raise my two children. Sometimes, I struggle with this. I will admit it. Society has ingrained in my mind the idea that I need to work to be worthy. But I DO work. HARD. And my job is very important. I have the tremendously consequential task of guiding two young children along the path of life. Of feeding two hungry mouths, of kissing boo-boos and singing songs. Of teaching right from wrong and the abc’s. I have a lot to do everyday.

A lot of days, I feel like nothing got done. At all. My house will be a mess, whatever personal projects I have going on won’t be done and the dinner I cooked was … well not gourmet, that’s for sure. But my kids are happy. My son discovered some fun rocks on our walk. We talked about airplanes in the sky. We sang songs together and had tickle-fights. My daughter…well mainly she just wants a booby right now, but she gets that whenever she wants it. And even though I wish I were a better house keeper, these are the important things.

I came across this poem online and had to share:

I Took His Hand and Followed
Mrs. Roy L. Peifer

My dishes went unwashed today,
I didn’t make the bed,
I took his hand and followed
Where his eager footsteps led.

Oh yes, we went adventuring,
My little son and I…
Exploring all the great outdoors
Beneath the summer sky

We waded in a crystal stream,
We wandered through a wood…
My kitchen wasn’t swept today
But life was gay and good.

We found a cool, sun-dappled glade
And now my small son knows
How Mother Bunny hides her nest,
Where the jack-in-the pulpit grows.

We watched a robin feed her young,
We climbed a sunlit hill…
Saw cloud-sheep scamper through the sky,
We plucked a daffodil.

That my house was neglected,
That I didn’t brush the stairs,
In twenty years, no one on earth
Will know, or even care.
But that I’ve helped my little boy
To noble manhood grow,
In twenty years, the whole wide world
May look and see and know.

I truly hope I always remember that taking their sweet little hands and going on an adventure is more important than the kitchen sparking with cleanliness or my sewing project.

At the same time, I keep coming back to something. Staying at home is wonderful. It’s what is best for my whole family. But somewhere along the way, I lost part of myself. I have a hard time realizing that I need to do things for myself. And some days it is REALLY basic stuff. Like go to the bathroom, eat, shower. But beyond that… I need to engage with others. I need Christian fellowship. I need to have hobbies and interests. I need to remember that I am first and foremost a wife and a mama, but I am more than that too. My “job” is as important as they come. But I have to remind myself that I matter.

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Just Call Me Cave-Mom…

I took this silly little quiz on facebook. It was called “What’s Your Parenting Style?” I got the result “Extreme Granola Parenting.” It then went on to use the term “cave-mom” and other various negative descriptors such as hostile. It was fairly cute, but come on now. (and yes, I know it does not matter. It is just a facebook quiz…)

But it made me think. How do people see me? Does that fact that I wear my baby, nurse, cloth diaper, co-sleep, birthed Eden at home and take the kids to a naturopath instead of a pediatrician change people’s opinion on me? Do I care?

I was not always “crunchy.” In fact, I was very mainstream before becoming a mama. I just kind of went with the flow. I didn’t bother to question much. But I don’t think I would have come up with a silly little name like “Cave-Mom” for someone who was different from me. I just wish people could understand that not everyone thinks the way they do and that it’s okay! We’re all unique and that’s a big part of what makes this world so beautiful.

So I may wonder if my parenting changes how people see me, but I guess I don’t care. I am doing what feels right for my family. I have made educated choices about parenting and I am happy with them. I am not, however hostile towards any other mama who made an educated choice to do something different than what I chose.

Well it’s time to hit the rock (I am a cave-mom, right?) I’d better find my baby and nurse her in my bed while cuddling my two year old who sleeps there as well and my husband. Then I’ll wake up and put her in the sling and start my prehistoric day 😛

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Some Days, I Think We Should Buy an RV…

So remember that wonderful place we moved into? Charming 1890’s mansion converted into a fourplex right next to the park in the heart of the city? The one I loved so much? The home in which I birthed our daughter? The one that I told you all felt like home for the first time?

They kicked us out of it. After less than two months.

What terrible thing could be do to deserve this you ask? Did we refuse to pay rent? Did we have raging parties? Loud fights? Illegal activities? No, none of that. We have children.

Our two year old walking around and quietly playing with his toys got us booted from our home.

And I promise you, I do mean quietly.

The people below us (friends of the landlords, I might add) work nights. Keagan, Eden and I are home in the daytime. I feel for these people, really. I’ve worked nights. It’s not fun to be on a shift opposite the rest of the world. I did everything I could to keep it quiet up there, but there is no pleasing some people. They once complained that it “sounds like he is coloring up there.” COLORING. They then asked if we would keep him in his bedroom until noon. Um, no. He’s a child, not a hamster. I am not going to cage him.

So they complained and complained and now we have no home. Well. We have a room at my parents house the four of us have been sharing. But none of our own.

Since we just had a baby and just moved in less than two months ago, we have no savings. We’re stuck in a really crummy place.

I am so sick of moving. Thus, the RV. Maybe if we just bought one of those we could always be home. I kid, mostly. I don’t want to find another place. I loved the place we had.

I am sure that God has a plan for us, but it’s hard to see it at the moment. I am sure we will end up someplace wonderful. As for now, we’ll make the best of our cramped quarters and be thankful for family.

And yes, I know this is illegal, but it was made pretty clear we’d be made miserable if we fought it. What’s the point to fight to stay if people are just going to go out of their way to upset you?

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Finding Normal

Having two kids is, at times overwhelming. I knew that the spacing we picked would not be easy, but thought the benefits would more than outweigh the negatives.

As much as I’ve loved the past few weeks, they’ve been a tad rough. Poor Keagan is torn between loving Eden so much he can’t contain himself and hating her for taking Mama and Papa’s attention from him. I’ve been super tired. Not just tired, mind you… SUPER tired 😉 When Keagan was a newborn, I could nap when he was napping. Now, if I want a nap, my husband has to be home or Eden and Keagan have to nap at the same time. That blessed occasion has only happened twice in the past 13 days, so I am not counting on it happening often. But I’ve been tired. Eden likes to be up at night like many new babies… Keagan is two and takes a lot of energy.

But it’s okay.
Really.

Today, it just clicked. I found myself happy as can be. And not just happy, because I have been happy, in spite of an angry toddler and lack of sleep, but also at peace. Calm. Relaxed. Everything felt normal.

I found my new normal. And I like it. I am so glad to be living the life that I am. Sure, I haven’t eaten a meal without a child on my lap since before Eden was born. And maybe I do wish I could talk with adults more frequently. But I love my life. I wouldn’t trade the blessings that these little ones bring me for anything on Earth.

At some point in my life, my kids will be grown. My conversations will probably almost exclusively be with adults. I will not discuss the importance of keeping raisins out of your nose with anyone. I won’t sing the ABC song. My lap will remain empty while I eat. My body will be mine again. I won’t be pregnant or nourishing a little life with breastmilk. And that will all be fine in that stage of my life. I’ll adjust again to another new normal. But I love my life right now and I am going to try hard to be sure I cherish these moments.

Maybe it’s the placenta pills talking or maybe I am just really, really, happy. But I’ve never felt so settled in as I do at the moment.

Guess that means I have to go back to cooking and cleaning doesn’t it?

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Pondering on Eden’s Arrival

I am 30 weeks pregnant now! I have 67 days until my due date. Just over two months! It won’t be long until I am holding sweet little Eden in my arms.  And I have so much to do!

Since I am busy being mama to my delightfully entergetic son, I sometimes forget about the fact that this pregnancy will end in another baby. I feel mildy guilty about this. I was obsessed when I was pregnant with Keagan. This time… I just don’t have time to focus in on what it means to be pregnant. I have to take care of my son.

I did look it up, and little Eden weighs about three pounds right now. (Funny how I’ve gained almost ten times that, but that’s part of the whole deal I guess) How tiny! Three pounds! What’s stranger is that she’ll more than double in weight (most likey) before she gets here.

I am looking forward to her arrival. I am worried about how it will affect Keagan, but I know in the long run they will be better off. He really loves other kids. I just worry about him being too rough. And I don’t want to make him feel like we love her more or anything like that if we tell him not to slap her etc.

I have to make diapers for her. I have to purchase quite a bit of  “baby stuff” as well. We were so sure we wouldn’t have any more kids that we gave away a LOT of Keagan’ s stuff. I also realize this time around how much of the “stuff” is not needed. We will need to find a good breast pump, a swing or something of the like and we’d really like on of those nest-style co-sleepers to calm my fears about Nick rolling over on her.

We’re planning a waterbirth at a birth center… and I can’t wait. That might sound odd, but after Keagan’s traumatic birth experience we are looking forward to a natural, intervention free birth.  Plus I will get to hold the sweet little girl who has been living inside me all these months. 🙂

Well that was all really random.

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Never Thought

I’d say this:

“Your toothbrush is not for scratching your penis.”

Being a Mama is so glamorous. 🙂

Keagan is still sick. Running a fever and coughing. Poor kiddo. Hopefully, he will be better soon and we can all go back to living a normal life. It would also help if the neighbors could be quiet. Hubby had a long talk with them today about how driving ATV’s after midnight is not appropriate and it wakes up our sick child. They acted all apologetic and said they would try hard to be quiet  when others may be sleeping. An hour or so later, at 11:30 pm, they started them up just the same.

We’re trying to decide if we want to move now, or wait until after Eden’s arrival. Since they’ve woken my child up three nights out of the last four, I can’t imagine what it will be like when I have  toddler AND a newborn. Plus, it makes me cranky.  Preggos need their sleep, too. It’s just extra frustrating because we JUST got all unpacked and settled, plus I like this place a lot. The place. Not the location or the neighbors. But the house itself is a wonderful layout for a family with a toddler. Sigh….

Off to look at rentals on craigslist and see if anything is nice enough to make me want to pack up again.

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Reflection and Resolution

Well I can’t believe that 2008 is coming to a close. It’s shocking really.

A lot has happened this year. When the year started, we were so afraid of having another baby after Keagan’s traumatic birth that we thought we’d never have one.  We thought we’d probably have the husband get the “big v” and think about adoption.  Thankfully, a friend convinced me to at least TALK with a midwife about the possibility of getting pregnant.  And I did. I talked to a wonderful midwife and we’re so happy we did. We talked about all that went wrong last time, and how to prevent it this time. The OBGYN group I saw was not about prevention at all… they only acted after something went wrong.

So after talking with the midwife, we decided to start to try to conceive. We thought it would take months -I was still nursing and my cycles were anything but regular. On the midwife’s recommendation, I picked up “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” (and happened to find it at Goodwill for $2! I love thrift shopping!)  and we got pregnant on the first cycle! Even the midwife was shocked to see how quickly I was pregnant!

So thanks to all of that, our sweet Eden will be here sometime near April 4th. And we are very grateful for that. This pregnancy has not been full of any of the problems I faced with Keagan’s. I am visualizing a wonderful, peaceful water birth in a birth center and feel that I will be able to achieve that. And  I think that Keagan will benefit greatly from having a sister to share his childhood with.

Another big change this year came after reading Shane Claiborne’s book, “The Irresistable Revolution.” It really changed how we thought about a lot of things. It’s from a Christian perspective, but I suggest it to anyone and everyone. It’s about humanity;  it’s about love; it is about how human beings should treat one another. It made me think about things I’d never considered before. Now, because of this book, I am not afraid of the homeless. I am not afraid to try and help people in need. We’ve also simplified our lives quite a bit. I’ve gotten really into thrifting after reading about how badly child laborers are treated. I don’t want to support the companies that hurt those kids, plus it is great knowing that I am reusing materials that could have otherwise been thrown away. It brought on a lot of changes for our family, all for the good. When  a friend recommended it to be the first time, I was pregnant with Keagan and just didn’t have the attention span. I am glad I went back to it later.

My husband took a lower paying job this year, but it was a step in the right direction. He’s in a feild that he wants to be in, his job is secure, and he’s moving up quickly within his office. It was a scary choice to make, but it was the right one.

Keagan has changed so much this year. He was a baby when the year started. As the year closes, I have to admit that he’s much more of a little boy than a baby. He’s smart, funny and full of life. What more could a mama ask for?

We also moved this year. Our new home is much smaller, but much better suited for us. It’s kind of in the middle of nowhere, but that’s okay for now. We do toy around with the idea of living in Tacoma, where my husband works. I always thought I was a country girl, but more urban living really seems appealing to us right now. I think that is a change 2009 will bring for us.

All that said, I am ready for our new year and the many new challenges and changes it will surly bring. I am a little nervous about being a mama to TWO kiddos, but I think I am up to it. I kind of have to be, don’t I? 🙂

I have quite a few goals for 2009

1. Read the Bible. All of it. It’s not as if I’ve never picked it up before, I’ve read most of it, many parts over and over again. But I want to read it all and I want to make sure I am doing it every day.

2. Get Organised! My dirty little secret (or not so secret if you know me in real life) is that I am a TERRIBLE hosuekeeper. I will not let this be the case anymore. I won’t! If anyone has any motivation and organisation tips, please let me know!

3. Quit being scared of my sewing machine! I KNOW I can use the thing. I am capable. I need to realize it.

4. Complete 40 craft projects. I love to craft. But I never do it, or I start and don’t finish. I want to do about one a week, giving my self space to take time off with the new baby and to have some projects that are bigger and therefore take longer. I am going to quit drooling over other people’s creations and make my own!

5. Get out more! I’ve been in mama isolation too long. I love my son, but I need to get out. With a second one coming, this is going to be even more important. I am to the point where I get out so rarely that I become awkward in social settings sometimes. EEK. I need to get out. With the kids or without.

6. Get back into my charity work. I was doing great for awhile, but the move, the pregnancy, the holidays etc all got in my way. But that’s no excuse. People are still hungry out there!

7. Find more natural learning activities for Keagan. He is so smart and he just eats this stuff up. I need to nurture his little mind.  I am not talking about flash cards and drilling information into him here. I am talking more about Montessori inspired, child-led activities that will help nurture his learning and creativity.By the end of the year, we will probably be working on a bit more, still child led as he will be preschool aged and we’re going to homeschool him. I have a feeling, however that it will be leaning to the side of unschooling, at least for his early childhood.

8. Be a better cook. I really fall short in most things related to home making, so this is another goal I am going to be working on. I hate processed foods, yet I get lazy and use them anyway. I’d like to stop that!

That’s all I can think of at the moment. Maybe I should stop it there for now anyway. Don’t want to set myself up to fail 🙂

What are your goals this year? Have any tips for me to help accomplish mine?

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Stress or Love? I Choose Love!

It is so easy to let Christmas become stressful.  I have many gifts left to make, I still have to take a photo of the little one for the Christmas cards and I don’t even know what I will be making and/or buying for some people. However, I am trying hard not to let it stress me out.

Instead of what I “have to do,” I want to think of the wonderful gift that was given to all of us that first Christmas. I want to take that that in, relax and enjoy the beauty of love and giving. How great the love of the Father truly is to give to us his only begotten son. What a wonderful, beautiful gift.

I saw this commercial the other day on TV. It said “Christmas costs less at Wal-Mart.” Christmas does not cost anything! Christmas is a beautiful gift! True gifts are free! You don’t HAVE to spend a bunch of money on “stuff.” That’s a choice. We’re trying to give simpler, more thoughtful gifts this year- and none of them are coming from places like Wal-Mart.

This season isn’t about “getting things done.” It’s about love. And I am trying hard to remind myself of that!

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